Author: plantgirl42

22 months of building- restructuring a new life. Creaky floorboards, shaky walls and a leaky roof that pretty much sums it up. No license or contractor school to prepare you, here’s your hammer your on your own. Mistakes are made, depending too much on others, expecting that I’ll be in control. Construction- doesn’t work that way people don’t show, plans change, life in a flux (darn sub- contractors) this house will never be finished! I never wanted to build a house. heck, I barely got through a kitchen/bath remodel. Who knew at 73 that I would be,”Head over heels.” living in a construction zone with no completion date. I’m learning a lot maybe I’ll be a licensed project manager and wear one of those leather tool holders? Life is such a box of chocolates you never know what you are going to get. (Forest Gump) Just have to keep building – added a new tool ” Tai Chi” hoping to make stronger walls.

Darn calendar did it this year my 73 Birthday and Fathers Day on the same day! Up and down, celebrating with my family, missing Lee On Fathers Day, another ride on a roller coaster. I should be used to the emotional soup I’m in but, No, there doesn’t seem to be, getting used to it just getting through it. As always I remind myself to be strong and grateful for all the good things I have. Yes, it helps. My sorrow is trumpeted by that of children being separated from their mothers. How truly awful and frightening for them. So shameful. Guide us to keep all children safe.

I remember wishing time was faster- can’t wait for a vacation, wedding or a birthday. Wanting to be sixteen, twenty-one, oh yea, really anticipated that one. Freedom to go to wherever! Time just seemed to move s-o slow, not anymore! As my 73 Birthday approaches I find myself thinking not so fast! Hold your horses! Now I want to wait, even with grief, I want time to slow down. Who knew? Some might think I can’t handle being old-nope that’s not me. I like that my age gives me wisdom, patience to be humble and grateful. Embracing each day, working hard to prepare for whatever the future is…

Seeing new views, breathing thinner air, meeting two Great Danes-a wonderful adventure that took me to high places reenergized my being. I’m so grateful. Back to the business of daily living with loss, doesn’t seem so permanent. It seems that a change lightens my soul. There is so much to see, do, go for it. Like the scales of justice we need to find balance to keep us carrying on…

I want to write, need to write, can’t. Why? I’ve been on this roller coaster ride for almost two years – come on you can do it. Loss of our beloved dog is that it? More sadness to deal with? New adaptation- missing her? All of it pushing the snow plow up hill – again. I will get through. Darn carrying on is really hard.

Tending to a 14 yr. dog- means a lot of laundry. interrupted sleep and of course sadness. Sadness I need that like a hole in my head I have no choice. Carrying on, caring for her, loving her, amazed by her spirit. Remembering her puppy days trying not to compare, to her senior days. So hard. Is she ready to let go, am I ready to let go? Limited in her mobility, yes, suffering I don’t think so- unlike us humans she can’t tell us. Her experience triggers and seems similar to my Lee’s. I know you dog lovers get it. Here we go again. Do I feel more prepared-some, is it easier-no. My grief for Lee is tough even after 18 months. My heart feels like it’s made of granite. I’ve been told granite can fracture and it is softer than it appears, thats a good thing. I’m chipping away the hard, filling my fractured heart with people I love, being grateful, staying busy. Humbled for all that I have, always a work in progress.

Seventeen high schoolers are gone, not at a sport camp, a college trip or a dance marathon no-death has taken them. My own loss seems like a sneeze. After all Lee was 67 and very ill. We had wonderful years together. I have wonderful memories. Massacres particularly at schools so horrific, so wrong, so many? There is life, death, we all know that’s the routine- so young-why? My faith will sustain me to carry on…Please guide us all to keep our children safe.

When you’re in your 70’s and grieving your like a drug addict looking for a fix. Sad but true… by now I (you) know there isn’t one. Age brings more patience and experience that lets us learn from others experience. I find myself really listening, a focused student quite unlike myself in my younger years. Finally getting those A’s learning tidbits of doable stuff that keeps me motivated and hopeful. Listening, friendliness, getting out there pays off big time. Isolation is easy, excuses are many, go, learn, grow-feel better.

When grief hits hard it takes the wind out of you. So how do you get past it? One thing I know for sure-what you do is up to you. Allowing the tears to flow, letting the anger envelop you (for me) seemed to energize – so contradictory but true. A phone call followed by a short walk and visit pulled me up and out of sadness. So little time reaped so much to change my despair. You don’t have to take hours or move mountains to fight back. Small efforts bring big results. January was a tough month, the highs of the holidays, Lee’s 69 Birthday, we carry on.

Washington DC put it on your bucket list. I know what you’re thinking-seen plenty of pictures tv, movies etc. besides it’s history ick. I don’t need to be right you shouldn’t miss it. Fun! Going to the SE in winter, typically mild, seemed like a good idea, cheaper not so many crowds . Off we go much to our surprise it is cold -very cold. However it was worth the chilly temps, necessary layers of clothing . No crowds, beautiful clear skies and light snow. For those of you that are grieving I found strength and awe looking at the monuments, visiting our White House, Senate, House. archives, all spoke to me of the hardships, determination and unwillingness of our ancestors to give up. We come from hearty stock. I will try to use our peoples history, our history on my roller coaster ride of grief. Walking many steps with my family ( Lucky me.) so much to see, visit, seemed to awaken me to respect and love for our legacy. I found myself thinking, “What will be my legacy?” Still working on it.