Author: plantgirl42

Here it is about to be my 2nd Christmas without Lee. Trying to adapt to being a single seems like pushing a snowplow uphill. All the media hype, triggers wonderful memories at the same time reminds me of my single status, my grief looms larger than ever. It’s a balancing act happiness-sadness over and over like an echo. Carrying on, knowing what to do – stay busy, do for others, sometimes just doesn’t work. Right? Ok, so just breathe and move on, carry on..

Life, your best friend, clergy, parents are not perfect, hard to accept, there it is- imperfections everywhere! Most of us will say, it’s ok no one is perfect don’t live in fantasy land. Imperfections bring disappointment and trust issues take over. Why bother? We’re mad we feel betrayed. Right? What do we do? In my 20’s & 30’s I shut the door, 40-50’s hmm that’s surprising, 60-70 more tolerant. Borrowing words from a song,” Being a kinder gentler soul, giving forgiveness,” open us to the small moments of perfection in our lives. The little things become the big things. We seem to be made to carry on that’s what we do…

I’m up and running on little sleep fighting for my life, sadness in my joints trying to sap my energy , obstacles that are testing my determination and spirit. I’m not a quitter. I will be satisfied as long as I am in the race and holding my own. First place is overrated being there is all that counts. A new day struggling to the finish, running, breathing, keeping my eye on my goal – living and embracing the moments. Run girl run!

I️ will not shut down you are strong but I am stronger. After seeing one of Hollywood’s finer movies returning to the same theatre that Lee and I️ went to many times taking advantage of our Senior Status, you grabbed me infusing my mind and body with a mixture of sadness and rage. Fighting for survival I️ hit you with wonderful memories, love of my family, desire to live. It’s a marathon, I️ will compete, I️ will struggle, I️ will honor and love.

I volunteer at a small zoo giving tours for children. We walk together looking at the animals looking back at us. Our program highlights adaptation, habitat and social community. We are mammals sharing many of the same skills that allow us to survive in our environment and social community – adaptation being a biggie. That’s where I’m at adapting to being a single, thinking like a single, and the list goes on. Do I like it? No, but I think I’m getting better at it, unwilling but mandatory to honoring Lee’s life not his passing. Much like the monkeys at the zoo who use their tails for balance I also use physical traits to balance my singleness. Sewing has now become another fulfilling activity that keeps me feeling productive, expands and provides, the joy in giving!

So much in a year since Lees passing- a roller coaster of emotions with a free pass to get on, no exit. No $ needed, no crowds, weather doesn’t matter. I’ve never liked roller coasters even when my peers pushed me to ride the peaks and lows it was a struggle, not fun for me. While my friends loved the thrill and chill, I couldn’t wait to get off! A year on a roller coaster not my choice – I  made it.  Determined to be here for my family, to honor Lee, embracing life not death, a super roller coaster ticket with no expiration changed my life. No awards, no applause, getting through the year was triumphant.

I’m a planner. Lee’s 1 year anniversary is coming up, knowing I need to be busy, fall being the season I miss- I head East. Many times traveling with Lee’s head-on my  shoulder snoring, his perfect timing waking up for food and promptly returning to sleep, feelings of envy and annoyance filled my head! Me the non-plane sleeper I’m an arm chair! Here I am wishing I could have my old job back. Revisiting the city of my birth the land of Paul Revere and clams, uniting with sisters, many cousins and friends, feeling loved, was wonderful and fun. I’m not and arm chair,  I am an A-u- n-t! Getting smartha in Boston happens. Oh yea, stay calm and have a Tea Party. Thanks to all.

I’m not a big fan of television. I have a couple of evening shows that I watch and look forward to but TV is not my drug. Last night I’m with my family viewing a new program. We got hooked last season and all agree it’s a good one. It feels like it was written for us it touches our heart and expresses perfectly the emotional time that we are feeling. Our grief is public, honest and eloquently presented. We are given tools to help us get through. Phrases and words that ring in our ears and feed our souls. “It’s not how long it’s been that matters. It’s memories that count and those that don’t. Not talking about your grief is like holding your breath for the rest of your life.” Such potency and honesty. Right there in the comfort of our home. Kudos to the writers, and actors, all the little people that made it happy. This is Us series is worthy of your time.

It’s one of those weepy mornings. Can you believe it was triggered by a hanger? Haven’t hangers been a pain for most of us getting tangled in our closets, snags on sweaters, the annoying devices should be banned. On a busy morning when every second counts they cause frustration and anger! Today a travel hanger did all of the above. Memories hang all over me sadness abounds. Helping Lee pack searching for the travel hanger for a suit that fits his garment suitcase. He hated traveling but loved all the gadgets and amenities that made packing a science. So unlike me the quick and no frills travelor. I still can’t  remember what I’m looking for, but I remember every detail of that morning. Maybe hangers aren’t so bad after all…

I’m walking my grief off, looking back remembering our daily morning routine of reading the paper, sharing the comics, laughing. Such a close time for us of course I miss it. Ok so for many months the unread papers piled up nasty reminders-gone, won’t be happening again-ever. I cancel the subscription recycle the unread pile.  Now here I am thinking I really feel like reading the paper. Who knew? When I get to my door there it is a Sunday Paper, we liked it the best. My eyes can’t believe it. My heart feels so good. I am so grateful. I chose to believe he is with me.