Moving on

Okay so talking doesn’t seem like a big deal most of us do it. Right? Talk is taken for granted and underrated once we are adults, simple and common. Talking and grief are like salt and pepper, pancakes and syrup making our food better and our mouth water. After being with a friend, talking-talking, for 2  days, talking has new status and respect.  No money needed just a gift that keeps giving! Thank you.

I’m a lover of music all kinds. So low and behold a country music concert right here with top musicians. What’s not to like? Well the price? Red flags appear- it’s for the younger set, to loud, to long… Music wins! With the sun on my back, ocean breezes, blue skies, I am so  grateful to be alive. Yes! I can go forward today at this moment. I find myself observing the smiles, rhythms of the bodies all different ages, shapes, the music finds them happiness flows. Grief has fine tuned my soul, my heart . You can do this. It’s ok – life goes on be a participant. 

Had a good day! I cleaned, sewed and swam, watched football with my son, and daughter. Wow, the Rams Won. Awesome! Off I go to bed, tired and feeling well. I sleep some then grief awakes me. I’m tossing and turning, flipping my pillow over, adjusting my covers – you know the drill. Please let sleep come.. my mind is on replay wonderful memories stream. Back to grief in real time, he’s gone and that’s just the way it is! My religion has, mostly, been a private affair. I believe in God and a heaven. I try my best to be humble and worthy in my actions – believing it will do the most good by not pushing my beliefs ….. I pray restlessness away as always my faith saves me. I don’t need a church I can pray anywhere, anytime . Peace be with you.

Last night, preceded by a day of being ill, I dreamed of my own funeral. Ok, so I was sick and wanted it over even a 4th grader could figure that out right? Sometimes it does seem like just slipping away would be so much easier. Moving forward-while looking back, keeping busy – giving back, are easier to write than do.  Don’t worry about me I’ll be ok. No doubt you’ve been there. Getting close to Lee’s one year anniversary. I will honor him, miss him and push myself. 

1. I hate that I have to ask and arrange get togetherness, I have to call or text my friends and family once in a while and that’s ok, but all the time. Why don’t they get how it hurts. All those that told me to call anytime, I’ll be there for you, let’s spend time together where are you? To me time=love and visiting me is honoring me. If I have to always set it up do they really want to be with me? Grief makes you more sensitive and sometimes what may not seem a big deal to others is magnified. I don’t want to be a whiner or ungrateful but please do less talking and more walking.

I’m out getting groceries and stuff and I don’t have to hurry.  All the rush from years past are over. I move slowly through the aisles trying not to buy too much. Taking time has the benefit of saving money.  That’s a good thing right? Funny all those years of rushing and wishing I could take my time, now I have to much time! Life is like that. Oh, yea and living alone means no one else makes a mess, takes your car keys, eats the left overs you were going to use for tonight’s Taco Salad. Not as much laundry, having your space used to be wishful dreaming now a constant that is no longer appreciated. Who new? Having a tough day- grief has no boundaries.

Here I am it’s early in the morning the start of a beautiful day.  I walked the dog, had my 1st. cup of coffee- so what’s not to like? Ok,  so I’m not feeling happy- that’s ok right? That’s what grieving is. The loveliness of the day and my surroundings are no match for “Got that Empty Feeling.” Get over it, accept it, fight it .. Remembering how easy it was to say those words to others going through grief wish I could take them back! Back to the moment in real time. Am I going to be a sad slug or get up and about? Well it’s Labor Day and it looks like I’ll labor and get going. 

Each time I think I’m conquering my sadness it reappears, attacking me. Now it’s guilt, was I patient enough, am I greedy for wishing that we had more time? Why aren’t 42 years of happiness enough, am I ungrateful? All of the above it is what it is… Moving on = keeping busy –  giving back , looking back, while trying to move forward that’s my mantra today. 

Today is my 42 anniversary. Yes, I’m still married to Lee. I feel so sad and alone. Is this feeling new? No, it’s just harder and more intense today. The sadness and being left behind are always there sometimes more manageable other times overwhelming. Words and platitudes given by others do nothing and often provoke anger and jealousy. Keeping busy, hard physical work are outlets that help-for short periods of time and sometimes not at all. It’s been 10 mths. Is it any easier?  Am I getting used to being alone? Do I cry less? Yes and no. Nights are the hardest- an empty side of the bed, no physical contact are tangible reminders.